Misdirection

He Still Calls to Me

2010-04-12T19:04:00.002-05:00

N tells me to come to him in the stairwell at the hotel near my office. We have been texting all morning. I'm already wet and wanting.

He tells me it's his turn to taste me, no matter what I want.

He does force me on my back, my legs in the air, my jeans around my knees as he licks me. I ask him to fuck me. He asks me if I want that. I say yes. He says too bad, it's his taste today.

He licks me well, but not to the point of coming. He does slide inside me for a few strokes. It only makes me want him more.

He intends to tease us both but comes in my mouth quickly.

Then he sends me on my way, back to work, with my clit throbbing and my panties soaked.

watching

2008-11-07T08:23:00.003-06:00

i watched him walk across the room to her. as he slid up behind her he snaked an arm across her waist.

for a moment her body simply vibrated with yearning. then she closed her eyes and slightly tilted her head so that he could whisper in her ear and lay a soft kiss on her neck.

desired flamed.

quote of the day

2008-10-21T12:26:00.003-05:00

"it's not every day you see a pretty girl carrying jumper cables"

this said to me by a man holding the door into my building. i had fetched the jumper cables because one co-worker was going to go jump another co-worker's car that had died while she was at the post office.

little comments like that can make anyone's day.

dreams

2008-10-09T13:24:00.002-05:00

i have a lot of sexual dreams. i enjoy them. i don't think they are unusual in any respect. sometimes they end in fulfillment in the dream, sometimes i actually wake up having an orgasm and sometimes the dreams are frustrating dreams because i can't seem to have the situation work out like i want in order to have sex (which can happen in real life).

well, i tend to let N know when he stars in these dreams. flattering right?

apparently not to him. today he says he feels it's "definitely weird" and a "little scary" that i have sexual dreams about him.

this hurt my feelings a little. i know they don't need to be hurt and i have no need to be offended, they are my own dreams after all, but i think my pregnancy hormones are going wacky cause i almost teared up when he said that.

i figured if i wrote it down and shared i'd feel better about it, and i do. and i know i am being touchy for no reason. and i refuse to think or feel that i am unusual in anyway. bring on the sexual dreams any night!

liberating

2008-09-25T11:23:00.002-05:00

it is with glee, and a little bit of amusement, that i tell you that i have gained 10 pounds. why tell you this? because i find it to be freeing to admit. to let go of the shackles of society and say it.

admittedly, i do have a reason for gaining such weight. i am carrying my man's spawn. however, lest this make you roll your eyes and say "no wonder," it hasn't been easy. while i am currently 19 weeks along, at my vertically challenged height of 4'9", until this week i have in fact just looked chunky. as if i had stopped working out, stopped eating right and said the hell with it all.

i have always been someone who is fit. by no means a model type body, but i have an hourglass figure and work to keep muscle tone and my belly flat. i jog, take spin class, practice yoga and lift weights. i'm not obsessed with it; i do it for my health and because it makes me feel good.

so with all that, i have still found it challenging to gracefully add on the weight. especially mentally. some of you that may know some of my story are aware that B (who used to be in my life) always made me feel that my body wasn't good enough, in shape enough, etc.

of course, then i have N who sends me a text message saying: don't be a retard about weight, it's belly. it's all sexy.

and my Other, who lives with me day in and day out, putting up with the changes of my body, thinks that my butt is fabulous no matter what! he likes it a bit round and full.

so i'm letting my belly hang out. not worrying about trying to hide this bulging bump that looks more like i have gotten fat rather than a baby bump. it's liberating to not have to suck in my abdomen, to not squeeze into tight pants. here's to every woman who has had, is having, or thinks about having a baby.

and yes, i will take that second piece of cheesecake please.

dessert

2008-09-04T19:35:00.004-05:00

i think of him all the time. i dream of sex with him. i can sometimes taste and smell him just from sitting and thinking of him.

i know what his body will look like as i take his clothes off, and yet, i discover something new each time. the freckle just there, the whorls of hair on his chest, the birthmark on his ankle i tend to forget that he has.

i love to indulge in dessert for the sheer sensual pleasure of it. he is like that to me. i want to eat dessert much more often than i do and if i could have him every day i know that i would. but, just like dessert, that would not be good for me either.

the things men do

2008-08-15T14:23:00.002-05:00

so yesterday, less than 4 hours after he has left my warm and sated body, i get this text message:

"it is odd. i just jerked off."

i wanted to laugh and scratch my head at the same time. here i was thinking we had just had really great sex in about every position and way you can have it and he needs to go home and jerk off?

don't get me wrong, i completely understand the allure of the solo orgasm. sometimes you just need one and don't want to deal with another person or need a quick fix. but not usually after a marathon session of great sex.

had a moment of feeling inadequate but i got over it. i know we both had a good time and he is a horny man in general.

men, or women, any insights?

no time like the present

2008-08-14T16:23:00.004-05:00

just had a hot, sexy romp that lasted a hour and a half or more. N is a subtle dom for me, throwing in a few hair pulls and stuffing his cock down my throat to surprise me, telling me what to do and rewarding me with my favorite touches and strokes when i do.

i'm very gently sore and tired, and all in such a good way.

it was complete, with porn, and toys and the holy trinity. he came in my ass for the second time. he's the only person that has ever done so and only the second person to ever get to be in my ass.

he's not much of a cuddler, but we hung out with some light cuddling and tv watching for an hour or so until we both had to get back to our lives. he loves to be petted --his chest, his inner thighs--and i love touching his body, so in that way we both won.

i'd say it made for a great thursday.

waxing

2008-07-30T17:54:00.003-05:00

ever wax yourself? and yes, i mean there. well, i do it. it ain't easy, let me say that for starters.

i started waxing it all several years ago and i got hooked. i used to go and have it done by someone. at first i thought that would be embarrassing and weird and it really wasn't. i have been to two different people to do it and really to them, it's routine. and much less invasive than the gyno which has to be one of the most embarrassing things a woman goes through.

anyway, the lady i liked the best kept moving around from place to place and ended up over an hour from where i lived at the time. this was the first time that gas his $3 a gallon. i decided for less than it cost for one visit to her i could get the supplies and do it myself many times over.

sure, it takes me a little longer than it would someone else doing it to me, but i don't mind. i can do it more often and it is a lot less expensive. sure, my neck and shoulders ache like a mother for about 2 days and i have to contort myself into some pretty interesting positions, but it works for me.

i love the feel of wet tongue on those totally bare lips.

there are lots of varying opinions on "the look" of a woman. i happen to like being bare and the men i know seem to like it too. it's kind of like when i switched from pantyhose to a garter belt; now i can't stand to wear a pair of pantyhose. bare is here to stay for me.

together again

2008-07-09T17:38:00.002-05:00

it has been some time since N and i have been able to see each other. he's (sadly) still without a job. damn the economy. and while we have made plans to meet up, they keep falling through. damn murphy's law.

but today, as hungover as he was, he managed to meet me for lunch as we had planned. we ate well and then he remembered baseball on tv. we went back to his place to watch the games. i flipped through fitness magazines while he stared at the tv--dizzy, nauseous, and hungover. it was relaxing; just best buds hanging out, which is one of the reasons i like having him as a friend so much.

then it started. light touches that kept escalating. until he finally looked at the magazine in my lap, said "this is ridiculous" and pulled me to him. it wasn't a marathon session, it wasn't over the top, it wasn't even too kinky. just two friends having sex because the tension had built so high we were going to explode. we had been flirting like mad over chat and text the last couple of weeks with no release and i knew he was getting frustrated. so was i.

right now, he is so tan and has just enough fuzz on his chest to be hot. i think he's hot anyway. it amazes me that a man can have such ripped biceps and claims to not work them out at all.

the best part of the encounter, the moment that has me smiling even now, came when i slid over him on my knees and sank down onto his cock without any warning that i was going to do it. the half smile on his face at he looked at me and said "oh, that's so rude."

posting

2008-06-25T18:59:00.003-05:00

i don't post enough do i? at least that's how i feel. i always have good intentions of being a more regular poster and then at the same time i often feel i have to have something important or sexy or funny to say.

but really, this blog is for me. so even if you all roll your eyes while you read what i post, or yawn, or choose never to come back, at least you came once.

i didn't really have an agenda when i began this blog. just an outlet, a little slice all my own. and since it's my little slice, i can say and do and write and whatever i want.

i think i just needed to remind myself of that today. thanks.

artist?

2008-06-09T18:42:00.007-05:00

so N and i are back to flirting like crazy. we had lunch today--just lunch. but after we had a furious chat session full of sexy fun.

N: home now
me: time for porn
N: well you helped
me: glad to know i'm good for something
N: worst teaser
me: you are too!
N: nah
me: oh yeah
N: all you
what to watch?
me: girl on girl...or orgy...3 some is good
love to watch 2 guys on a woman
N: nice
i need to try that out?
me: you ask that with a ? like you aren't sure
N: i ask about you and 2 guys
not you watching
asking if that’s something you wish you’d tried
me: uh, yeah kinda
N: interesting
me: why? you know i like experimenting
like w anal
N: true
me: i mean, you want to be with 2 girls
N: true
me: but you've done the 2 guy 1 girl thing
N: kinda
me: kinda? how kinda?
N: i mean yeah
thought you attempted it too?
me: sorta. she really wasn't into it at all and so nothing really happened. it was more talk and just feeling up than anything else
N: gotcha
well i'd like to watch
2 of something w you
me: really?
N: sure
why not
me: dunno
i know you would want to see me w a woman
i'm not sure how i would feel watching you with another woman
i have never had anyone inspect my clit so thoroughly
i should have asked you to lick it that day
N: an artist
you are an artist
so watching you w a dude is like watching do your art
least that’s how i can rationalize it
me: interesting
N: watching and saying yeah she’s good i want some
like porn i guess almost
just leaned into my dribble got on me
you’d have to not be jealous but more wanting
me: i know you need me there to lick it off
i see your point
N: that’s fantasy
me: in theory (at least for me) not jealous sounds good, but can't always predict
N: if i saw you do something and it was hot looking i could be like yeah that’s hot
i mean all guys are diff too so
there is always that element for my side
but again it's like porn
me: but you'd rather see me with another woman right?
N: yeah either way you work well
i can't win that because you’d rather me w no one lol
me: not necessarily
i mean i think i could try to be w you and another woman
i think it would be hot to watch you w her
N: i could use a glob of lube on the tip right now
me: let me sit on you
for that
N: i'm messy
lots of dribble already
me: you want it and you know it
you're ready
2 seconds and done
N: lol
prob
it gets hot fast
me: wonder why that is?
between us i mean
N: dunno
it's good though
me: yes it is

nipples and ass

2008-05-29T23:34:00.003-05:00

so for about 3 days my nipples have been ridiculously sensitive. i mean, the water in the shower makes me gasp in pain-pleasure. as the days have gone by it is more pleasure than pain for which i am thankful.

ok, i have not had the needed conversation with B. call me scared, call me an idiot. but after having worked with someone for 6 years you have to realize their moods. i want him to focus on what i am saying and he is in the process of moving and is agitated and irritated so is not a good time for me to be bold. disagree if you want, but i know him.

ok, N asked me if i wanted to meet for tea/coffee after he golfed today. unexpected but welcome since we have been at odds. he feels i betrayed him, i felt i was being honest--it's all about perspective. yesterday was the first day we flirted by text/email chat in awhile. it was thrilling and made me somewhat hesitant. i didn't want to set him off or scare him off.

today we met for tea. that was slightly awkward but then we settled into friend mode. one issue dodged. i felt the electric charge from the beginning but wasn't sure it was just me. it wasn't.

we ended up in his SUV talking, lightly touching and teasing. he knows i like anal sex. and he knows my nipples are ultra sensitive right now. so he brushes them outside my shirt. then dips below, just barely brushing my nipple. i touch him arm and lean toward him encouragingly.

then he feels my nipple full on. i tell him i am getting wet. he wants to feel. i lean back and let him into my pants. he agrees. he brings his cock out of his pants for nearly an hour he teases me with touching my pussy and slipping his fingers into my ass. in and out, deeper and more fingers. i reward him with taking his cock into my mouth.

neither one of us come. later we talk about it over text. we both feel the other is holding back and leading the dance. ironic. and hot since nothing was fulfilled. we make tentative plans to meet for lunch tomorrow. he tells me i should have dragged him off and made him fuck me. i wanted him to drag me off. talk about miscommunication!!

i'm hoping for tomorrow. me, a skirt, 4 inch heels.....what more can the man want? here's to wishing me luck.

inadequate

2008-05-22T08:52:00.001-05:00

words are inadequate to express the agony of my soul right now.

tears speak much more clearly.

for granted

2008-05-20T17:52:00.003-05:00

no one likes to be taken for granted. i realize that B has taken me for granted for a long time. more importantly, i realize that i have let him take me for granted.

i could rehash what happened last thursday night but i don't think i'm ready to do that. not sure i ever will be. i learned that, to him, no is not an answer from me that he wants to hear. not when he thinks something is his. and i am that something.

he did show some real emotion but it's too late. and he doesn't get that either.

i also realize that i have been taking my Other for granted. especially in my single minded secret devotion to B. it's hard to admit to yourself that you are are the person doing someone else wrong. i am glad that i can admit it though.

now all i have to do is follow through.

i tried to have the conversation with B today that i need to have. i have needed to have it for some time but was afraid. last thursday night made me see that even in my fear of having it, it has to be done. it cannot not be done.

so tomorrow i will try again. this is something i have to say to his face. i have to swallow my fear and my tears and hold my knocking knees together and say it anyway.

tasting

2008-05-13T17:16:00.005-05:00

does the taste of someone ever stay with you? or their scent? and i don't mean cologne here--but the scent that makes that person who they are? the scent that after and entire day of just living you can inhale when you hug them and slide your nose along their neck?

sometimes, even months later, i can turn my head and swear i smell a certain lover. or take a sip of water and after i swallow what i taste is him.

scent and taste are closely linked and often bring back our strongest and most memorable memories.

i have never been a fan of cologne --on myself or anyone else. i prefer natural scents of plants and essential oils in lotions and the like. i miss some of the men in my life at moments that i least expect. and what is miss most is not the pleasure, not the physical nature of the relationship, but the intimacy. and what is more intimate than the scent of someone's skin?

fresh from the shower it is often gone, and late in the day, it can creep through. that natural scent. maybe it's pheromones, maybe it's hormones, but it works. when you are with the right person, it works.

to smell them, to roll their unique scent on your tongue is to love them.

begging

2008-04-25T15:34:00.003-05:00

i know i owe another psychological post on N and our trip but i have to do this one first.

so today, B is back after being in and out of work due to some family stuff. we're in his office waiting to have a conference call. we're chatting about all kinds of things and we never get the call.

then he stands up and gives that half laugh, says he wants to ask cause it makes him smile and asks me the color of the day. so i flashed him my lacy peachy-pink bra. the he stands there and says he wants to ask something else. he asks me if i want to have sex. i kinda laugh and say i don't know. he tells me to think about it and let him know.

then a few minutes later i get an email hinting about it. i think it over, am pulled but don't want to at the same time. so i go in and tell him what i really want is to reconnect, have lunch and how we haven't connected in a long time. he agrees but says isn't that easier to start physically and i tell him only for him because he's a man. so we joke about compromises for a minute and he makes sure to point out that's why he asked for actual sex instead of a blow job. it has been a long time since we had true sex.

he accepts my request, i wasn't sure he was going to, and we went to lunch and just talked. then we get back and i get two emails indicating he needed "my help". that's a cue for a blow job. the second one simply said "pretty please!"

it's funny. i guess before sometime in march i never really said no. i might have had to say "not now" because i had plans already going on. and then again, i rearranged plans at the last minute to make it happen for us too. this is the second time in a row i have said no. and i said it to his face this time. and i didn't give in.

N thinks i want to give in. want to be with him. i'm not so sure. B pulled the fast one with that other chick. still doesn't care about my pleasure. and when it comes down to it, he had three milestones to meet. he's 0 for 3 and one has already passed. the next one is in may when our relationship hits 5 years and the next month i turn 30. big things in any relationship. i gently reminded him of this after his "pretty please" email and he blew me off and left for the day. we'll see.

i just want B to have to make some gesture. i want him to bend. i told him there were new rules. that he had played by his rules for almost 5 years (hint hint) and now it was time for my rules. i guess for him, asking for "real" sex and not just a bj was a step for him. a small one but in his eyes a change.

he's gone again basically all next week so i will have to wait and see what happens. likely nothing. but maybe, maybe this will intrigue him. N thinks i just need to demand the relationship and sex be on my terms. i don't think that B will allow that to happen. he's too much of a dom and he's trained me too well as his sub. plus, he's used to getting what he wants, how and when he wants it. but i'm not going to do that anymore. doing it sometimes, when i thought he cared, was good. now i know he doesn't really care, or won't let himself care, and i need at least a little bit of that.

like N. he makes me feel good about my body. makes me feel sexy. talks sexy with me. makes me laugh. B doesn't make me feel good about my body and makes me self conscious to ask for the things i want.

N thinks i will cave and give in to B. he thinks it's not a matter of if, but when. i'm not sure i will cave. it's hard to say no. and N is so intrigued by the situation. he wants me to keep him posted. that is weird to me.

so we will see what the next couple weeks bring. maybe something, maybe nothing.

not meant to be mine

2008-04-22T16:01:00.004-05:00

N isn't meant to be mine. i knew that in the beginning but while he was on vacation i really got it. i see it now. i get it. i watch it fade with a sad and rueful smile.

so i have what is meant to be mine so why don't i want it enough? why do i want more and something else? i have a good thing, even a great one and yet i feel that i could have something else, something more.

vanity? i don't really think so. i'm not perfect and i don't expect anyone else to be either. not especially one who is my mate. i need them to love me and want me even with all my faults and i will do the same.

i guess i had just had in the back of my mind that maybe N could have been mine in another place, another time, another life. i knew from minute one that B was never, ever going to be mine and i really was ok with that. i guess i just wanted a little more from N. my connection with him felt more comfortable, more true. i was able to be more myself with him than i ever was with B.

now i have to convince N that we can hang just as friends and nothing will happen sexually. only once has that happened and we still petted. now he runs from spending any time with me. yes, it is partly my fault, i'm not denying that. i just hope he gives me the chance to prove we can be just friends. i realize it will take longer than i want to gain the trust so i hope i can be patient in that time as well.

trip (part 1)

2008-04-15T04:43:00.005-05:00

so N and i got to go out of town again for work. we have some extra time between appointments. the first time we end up just in his bed, not really cuddling, but leaning on each other and getting warm and cozy between the blankets. i'd like to point out that i was fully clothed and he had on boxers, socks and his dress shirt.

the second time we had sex. it was hot, as always. actually, he spent a long time trying to make me come and then got down on his knees, not to lick my pussy, but to really inspect me. he is convinced my clit is the smallest he has ever seen; so small as to be nonexistent. i assured him it was there and that i can orgasm. i proceeded to show him by getting myself off while he watched.

so the most important item of note in this trip is that he had met a girl from the area while he was last there on a pleasure trip. then she came to our town for a conference and they met up again. now they have not done anything with each other but that isn't going to stop him from trying.

so after our work is done we go out to meet her, and consequently a male friend who i have known since college who just moved to the area.

earlier in the day before dinner N and i stopped for a drink. i asked him more about this girl and asked her if i was cuter than she is. he admits that i am and that she's really "not all that" but she's cute and has an ok body. he thinks it is more her personality that makes her seem hotter. that's pretty cool. however, i asked him if i could come sleep in his bed. just sleep. he says maybe and we'll see. i end up thinking that is really what will happen. it's what's happened before.

so we meet up and start talking and hanging out and all that jazz. then we move from a table to shoot pool.

ok so here is a run down of my notes to myself in my cell phone that night while we are still hanging out with her:

10:47 pm. ok she's cute. maybe i'm too easy. he told me to stop talking about his woman when she went to the bathroom. isn't it only fair that she know? make an informed decision? yes it was done with a little bit of spite but i do know that i would rather know. i'm hurt and feeling alone and still have to travel with him. and i still wan to sleep in his bed. dumb. very dumb.

11:47 pm. i want to tell N "fuck you". i'm trying to help him get laid. how dumb is that? i'm dumb in this relationship. i know the outcome. me stupid and hurt. him moved on. stupid and stupider. we're playing pool now. i think she likes me.

12:17 am. you ever feel like a second fiddle? that's me with N today. he could have me but wants her. so....here i am. dumb and wet. wanting and inadequate. he says i have first place but no. he'll take her. [funny side note as i re-read this: maybe he is no better than B]

4:54 am. N is an ass. he admits freely that i am hotter than she is. she is cute though. yet he hits on her all night. pays all his attention to her and i feel left out. sidelined like an old used cow. and he doesn't get it. he wrote her a personal note and she hid it from the rest of us. now they are flirting hardcore. i'm done. it hurts. yet likely he will be with me.

so that is some of my fun rambling as things were going on. yes, i was drinking. local beer to be exact, after drinking about 3 glasses of wine. so i was good and tipsy and feeling a bit bitchy. watching him bend his head down to her and them whisper and joke. pissed me off a hair. i spent the whole night wavering from being pissed off at him to feeling guilty for acting that way and then trying to make up for it by help him bag her. crazy.

i'll have a part 2 soon. it will be raw. my open wound of crying and my thoughts that night as i tried to fall asleep and then when i woke up very early and couldn't sleep. stay tuned.

N

2008-04-08T09:16:00.004-05:00

N doesn't feel it. i'm a tool. a thing separate. he's a good guy but i'm not a good girl.

he wants to do what is right. wants to walk away, to say no but is torn by his own indecisiveness and insecurities.

really he wants to be free just as much as he wants to be shackled by her. he does not want to be tied down, does not want his choices taken from him.

but one day he will do it. one day he will walk and i will still be here. still be as i am. without.

broken

2008-03-25T19:08:00.003-05:00

i am fragile. i am broken. and the men in my life don't get it. or don't want to see the reality of what that means. i'm either just drunk, or odd, or in a mood or being female.

nope, not it.

there is an artist whose music speaks in spades to me. i don't want to be the plagiarizer here and copy lyrics. Griffin House. look him up. listen to him.

deep, soulful, quiet. a little rock; a little blues. he's got it all.

drink a glass of wine. relax in a deep bath. cry. dance with the cat in the living room.

and when you are done...you'll feel both a little more broken and little more healed than you expected. and it's why you'll listen again and again.

dear B,

2008-03-25T14:50:00.002-05:00

you cannot ignore me for months on end and then just expect me to drop to my knees on your signal. and acting a little confused by my response, or lack thereof, isn't going to work either.

i am learning to have respect for me where you are concerned. it was hard to do. i worried you would get mad at me but i still had to do it. i had to see if i could.

then, later in the day when i got back from my haircut you called me in, commented on how nice my hair looked and then told me you wanted to end your week as a bachelor with a blow job. you looked down at the floor and did say it was "up to me though".

i said you have to wait. you did mention that we hadn't had a chance to spend much time together during the week. as if we have spent anytime in the past weeks, of weeks, of weeks together.

after i said no, i did sort of just ramble a bit, ok, a lot. worried about your response and fearing what you might say.

and later that day i had gone out drinking and i did get a little regretful. weak, weak, weak. and i sent you a text message that you did not respond to nor did i expect you to.

but you cannot treat me like a toy anymore. i will not allow it. i have to believe that i deserve better.

without regret

2008-03-18T08:05:00.003-05:00

so yesterday was st. patty's day. in honor of the day i wore green silk undies. go me! but that is not the point of the title of this post.

so being a good boss, B tells us to push hard through the day until 4pm and then we're off to find green beer. he really is a good boss. normally i am very gung-ho about this stuff and the first one to jump on the wagon. i said yes and then i decided i didn't really want to go. i had done some celebrating the day before and had a lot to drink and i wasn't in the mood to fight the crowds downtown.

now, as a side note, i need to mention that B is in town alone. his family was off to FL that morning for spring break so he was all alone. ah, now you begin to see.

well, i did have a reasonable excuse to get me out. we were having a water treatment system installed in the house that day at 5pm. so i told B that and let the day go.

so later he pops by my office and tells me that if i am not going i have to "show him my green." he knows that i have lots of colorful underwear and tend to match them to situations. so i go in and show him and he comments that it is "nice and different." and then he huffs that he doesn't want to go now because it's going to be a sausage fest. so i joke with him for a few minutes and leave and then they are off to drink.

i get home and it's a good thing i decided not to go as my Other was not home in time and they showed up at 5pm on the dot.

but B does text me a little bit. tried to draw me out. mentioned he wanted my tits. sends one that says "cock sucker" and just reply "i am good at it." he's really not good at the whole texting and being sexual thing. honestly. N and i can do that and i can get super horny super fast and this whole time with B i just kept smiling to myself and didn't even feel involved in the conversation really. as if it wasn't about me. i was amused more than anything else about the situation.

i knew that if i had gone, i likely would have stayed longer than the one or two drinks i promised my Other. partly because i wanted to and partly just to see if he tried to get into my pants. and i think he would have tried. in fact, i know he would have and i didn't want to let him. so i chose not to go. and i don't regret it at all. in the past i would have beat myself up for not going. and today i know i made the right decision for me.

random acts

2008-03-07T08:48:00.002-06:00

yesterday N and i got to fooling around a little --fully clothed. and the just randomly commented that i looked skinnier. it was just an offhand remark, not as if he had planned it.

that was a nice compliment for me and i really appreciated it. especially as i have not been working out AT ALL nor have i been eating well. i have been feeling bloated and a little down about that lately so it was really a boost for me.

sometimes the little compliment can really mean a lot to someone.

gullible

2008-03-05T20:22:00.004-06:00

so the other week B makes a nice comment to me after weeks of nothing. and i was skeptical then because we have been down this road.

i stayed home from work the first half of the day as the alarm guys were installing our system. we actually walked in on someone still in our last house after they had broken in so we find the system comforting.

anyway, i was gonna miss the lunch with a vendor before the presentation today. i had told B i would be in late today and why and he was cool with that. so mid-morning i email him to let him know i definitely will not make lunch so he can let everyone know since i am in charge of setting up the meetings. he doesn't respond back and usually does. then i get a text from someone in the office mentioning that everyone is looking for B for the lunch meeting. and then one of my team members texts me and asks if i will be in.

so i am the one that looks like the ass. when really i had informed my immediate superior who should have been in the office and was also scheduled to be at the lunch and the presentation.

when i get there he is still not in. he told our team he decided to stop and meet with a particular customer before coming in. uh-huh. it was the same customer we have used as an excuse in the past to have some out of office fun. sure he wore dress clothes and even a tie but here's the kicker: he had no reason to go meet with them. and he avoided me all the rest of the afternoon. usually he comes in to update me on these things since i am such an integral part of the job. and i didn't ask.

i did get a little pissed. but it really confirms that my pulling back is smart. the little piece of paper with my requested gift is still there under the docking station for his laptop. i'm never going to get it.

the other day he talked about the grand plans for when we make our get-a-way and start our own business. not sure i really want to. i won't be able to stay where i am if he goes, that's for sure, but i'm not so sure i want to go with him. he really is loosing me on many levels and don't think he has any idea.

so maybe i'm not as gullible as i once was. it has been a very hard lesson to learn. and i realize that without it i also would not be the person i currently am. sometimes people have to learn the lessons for themselves and no matter how hard you try and tell them what the end result will be, they have to live it.

i lived it. and i'm still here.

inevitability

2008-02-25T18:22:00.004-06:00

are things inevitable? i think most people are going to say no. we have free choice. we can always choose. however, are some things simply preordained? like in some movies, no matter how hard the character tries to avoid something they know about, the ultimately are driven toward it by the decisions they are making. we may not know the future, but perhaps the things we do trying to make the decision we want to make drives us toward the unknown inevitability.

was i destined to know B and have him teach me the things i already knew? was i destined to meet N and realize what i am missing and will never have? was it inevitable that i end up exactly where i sit today not sure which path i need to take?

Other loves me and will always be there. some things i keep from him sexually he would be open to but i fear telling him in that i might lose him to another woman. N i would never feel the need to seek more. B i have to leave or implode.

B would never leave his wife and i am and always have been ok with that. i just wanted my slice.

N i have realized will never be mine. not even a sliver. i can have what friendship he is willing to give but in many ways he is more moral than i. not totally but in that i am already closer to him and could be a bigger threat because i am here and vocal. not that i necessarily think he cares for me more, but he'd have to deal with more consequences than he is willing and able to deal with.

and Other, he's here. he's always here. there are days i wonder why i ever need more and there are days that i know that i will always continue throughout my live with him wanting and needing more. which MORE will overrule is the question.

i have no answer today. no real sense of my reality. i am in between houses and closings and staying with friends. my Other is out of town all week leaving all the details to me. my poor cat is a confused mess of fur. and i feel as though i am in limbo. in so many respects. maybe the fresh start with the new house will lend some perspective.

and maybe i am just painting a new coat of paint on a peeling wall.

valentine's day

2008-02-13T19:04:00.005-06:00

let's get one thing straight, i don't hate this holiday. have nothing against it personally. isn't one of my favs and i don't really celebrate it because there are plenty of other events in my life. however, many people do celebrate it and just as many bitch about it. so here are my thoughts today.

1. flowers. you never buy me flowers. ever. so why pick the one day of the year when they are 5x more expensive just because society tells you that you should. honestly i would prefer you buy me flowers in the middle of august and give them to me for no reason.

2. candy. do i need to explain this one? when did i last ask you "does this make my ass look big"? if you don't want to hear that question, don't buy the candy.

3. stuffed animals. i grew out of that when i was 12.

4. dinner out. yeah, overly crowded restaurant, "special menu" [read--over priced] and you probably waited until the last minute so you had to call seven different places just to find room. and don't buy any of their cute cards, flowers, etc. lame. like flowers, surprising me with dinner to my fav restaurant when i don't expect it is much more likely to get you laid because i can get the entree that i want instead of being grumpy that they have given me a "special menu" to order from that does not include my fav entree.

5. card. yeah, cute, mabe sappy and goes right in the trash.

eh, only five items. that wasn't so bad was it. and all true. at least for me. i'm really not cynical or jaded i just think that some things have more meaning if they are done when they aren't expected or socially defined.

words

2008-02-06T19:17:00.001-06:00

why do people get weirded out by words? and by people, yes, i mostly mean men. but women can be the same way too. take the word "cuddle" and N's response in my previous post. i told him i didn't mean it as a serious word and he told me he knew that but it still wigged him out a little.

let's take the word "love". here is a clinical definition from dictionary.com:

1. a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2. a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
3. sexual passion or desire.
4. a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart.
5. (used in direct address as a term of endearment, affection, or the like): Would you like to see a movie, love?
6. a love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour.
7. sexual intercourse; copulation.
8. (initial capital letter) a personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid.
9. affectionate concern for the well-being of others: the love of one's neighbor.
10. strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything: her love of books.
11. the object or thing so liked: The theater was her great love.
12. the benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God.
13. Chiefly Tennis. a score of zero; nothing.
14. a word formerly used in communications to represent the letter L. –verb (used with object)
15. to have love or affection for: All her pupils love her.
16. to have a profoundly tender, passionate affection for (another person).
17. to have a strong liking for; take great pleasure in: to love music.
18. to need or require; benefit greatly from: Plants love sunlight.
19. to embrace and kiss (someone), as a lover.
20. to have sexual intercourse with. –verb (used without object)
21. to have love or affection for another person; be in love. —Verb phrase
22. love up, to hug and cuddle: She loves him up every chance she gets. —Idioms
23. for love,
a. out of affection or liking; for pleasure.
b. without compensation; gratuitously: He took care of the poor for love.
24. for the love of, in consideration of; for the sake of: For the love of mercy, stop that noise.
25. in love, infused with or feeling deep affection or passion: a youth always in love.
26. in love with, feeling deep affection or passion for (a person, idea, occupation, etc.); enamored of: in love with the girl next door; in love with one's work.
27. make love,
a. to embrace and kiss as lovers.
b. to engage in sexual activity.
28. no love lost, dislike; animosity: There was no love lost between the two brothers.

WOW. does that word mean a lot. but when you talk to someone, usually someone of the opposite sex and they decide that the "relationship" is not "that" they get freaked out.

to answer that age old question, can you love more than one person at a time? hell yes.

let's think about it like this. i love both my parents. i love them differently because they are different people. if you have children, you realize that you love them all, but in different ways, and quietly, maybe even one more than the other. i love my best girlfriend, so why can i not love my best guy friend and why can i not tell him that? and yes, i think you can love more than one person in a sexual and relationship way. i love my Other, and at one time i thought i loved B. i have relationships with them both and my love was a little different for each.

i just want to be able to tell some of the people in my life that i love them and have them not freak out that it means that i am "in love with them" or think that they are the love of my life. because that's not the case. i love them. i have feelings for them. i feel affection and tenderness and i hate it when they are sad or hurt or sick. something make me think of them first and there are things that happen that i cannot wait to tell them.

we laugh together, we argue, we share food, we defend each other and get frustrated too. we confuse each other and poke at each other. we each think the other is zany. and at the end of the day we'd rather have each other in our lives than to not know each other. if that isn't a form of love, than what is?

accidental sex

2008-02-06T18:18:00.000-06:00

can you actually have accidental sex? N and i have been keeping things on the down low, friends only level. no problem right? except each week, one or the other of us starts something, not really intending to. this time it was his fault. on monday, we're chatting at work and i get the "what's up with 69". and yes he meant the position. his and his buddies' takes are that people don't do it much anymore. i thinking about it, i haven't done it in years.

anyway. so today i end up over at his place in the afternoon. he was gonna be packing for an overnight trip for work and i was just not wanting to be at work and to partly prove we could just hang out. so i get there and all is fine. tv's on. he's lounging on the couch cause he doesn't feel well, i'm reading through the runner's magazine on his coffee table and making random comments about the articles.

starts out with his legs propped up on the coffee table and mine draped on his as my resting place.he gets up for some reason, moved around and we end up with him more laying down and his legs stretched out on either side of my body and my feet on either side of his hips. again, we're just chatting. his hand is resting casually, but not sexually, either on my leg or foot and we're cool.

let me repeat I DID NOT GO OVER THERE FOR SEX. his friendship is more important to me overall than the sex ever will be.

but then i have to get up as my phone is ringing and it might be work. he flops around on the couch and i was gonna just sit on the other end but he asks if i was gonna lay down. no mind you this is the man that took issue when i suggested "cuddling" an hour before. that is a "serious" word in his vocabulary.

so we're cuddling and comfy and talking about politics, food, work etc and the food network is on in the background. he absently rubs the back of my head. then he asks if i will rub his tummy. he hasn't been feeling well since monday so i just trace my hand light around and over his stomach and some up to his chest. just lightly and non-sexually. he even comments that it's soothing.

he keeps fidgeting though and next thing i know he is pulling me over him and we're kissing. yes, you can guess where it went. though he did stick to the new rule of "he doesn't come if i don't" that's our new rule. i didn't but that's ok. takes my body a long time to trust someone. i have to "give up" control in order for someone to make me come. that's the way i have always been.

as i am leaving i remind him that i did not come for sex and he says he knows. now i feel like i ruined it. really, i was content to sit on the sofa together, him watching tv, me browsing the magazine and having random snippets of conversation.

have i lost? i mean really. that's exactly what i have been trying to get to happen, minus the sex, as his friend. and there we go getting all tangled up in our heat. fuck.

i have to stop drinking at lunch.

rear flank

2008-02-03T15:26:00.000-06:00

a week or so ago, i took a picture of my backside with my cell phone. here it is.

why was i taking a picture of my butt with my phone you may ask. well, my Other was out of town for a week and he likes it when i send him pictures --of naked parts of me, of me in sexy undies, etc. it's kind of fun. i'm not into the whole video thing yet, but maybe one day.

as i post this i am giggling a little bit to myself. it's kind of silly and fun and something i usually would not consider.

my backside is a little red becauase i had just gotten out of the bathtub. and i managed to twist around and take this in one shot. do you realize how hard that is to do? try it some time.

anyway, i giggle a little to myself as i am about to hit post. i'm not sure how long i will leave this up. might get embarassed. and well, you don't know me, so maybe i'll leave it. here's to silliness.

feeling stronger

2008-02-03T13:48:00.000-06:00

i've been putting this post off for a week or so. i guess because part of me was scared to write it. if i wrote it, i would have to stand by it and i'm not sure i am strong enough to do that. at least i can admit it, right?

well, i'm feeling the most free from B that i have have been in almost 5 years. he doesn't not occupy my time every minute of every day. i remember a time last year when i was sitting in his office and i looked at him across his desk and wondered why. i thought in that moment he was not that good looking, not that strong, not that worthy of my time. i left his office that day thinking i could walk away, that he had no hold on me. i was wrong.

i have realized recently that i am stronger than i realize. that without the pressure from myself of worrying about pleasing him, i am much more happy. i used to plan my underwear and my outfits around the chance he would remove them from me. now i shave my legs less and wear what underwear makes me the most happy that day.

i think i can resist him. i'm not saying that i won't fall back into the old trap, but i think i will have a shorter climb if i do indeed slide back.

it feels good. this freedom. this self sustainment. hopefully i can believe in myself enough to keep it going.

getting me going

2008-01-26T19:42:00.000-06:00

as you know N and i work together. and we tend to chat online during the day as our offices are across the office from each other and we are paperless so we have less reasons to be up and about. oh, we all get out and walk around a bit during the day, even if just to go to the bathroom and the water cooler, and it gets tough sitting for eight hours straight.

he was rather hung over on friday because he had friends in from out of town. and when we chat, often it's about work as he is new to our office and still has questions on the systems and how to use them or where to find information. and every since we have agreed to try to stay strictly just friends i think we have both made and effort to flirt less.

on friday we chatted mostly about work and how slow the day was and random stuff. then he commented that when he is coming out of the hangover but no quite over it he gets horny. i had no clue. well, as you can imagine we went into flirt mode.

we took a late walk over to starbuck so i could have a hug and he could get a quick grope of my ass. we ended up talking about his gfriend a lot as well and how they had a semi-serious talk the other day and the like. i'm not overly jealous, i know he loves her and i am his friend as much as anything else.

as we left i joked that it was a really wimpy grope he gave me and he would have to do better next time. he agreed. so as we get into the elevator to get to our floor, he pulls me close, slips his hand down the back of my jeans and does a much better grope on my bare butt.

then we really get going with the posting. we each seem to underestimate our appeal on the opposite sex, or at least on each other. he says the next time he gets to put his hand down the front of my jeans. as it gets closer to time to go home, our flirting gets naughtier. i tell him i am wet. he challenges that. when it's time to leave he says he's going and i say i am ready too. he says to come to the elevator and to leave my coat unbuttoned.

i admit, with some chagrin, that i rush to get my coat on and hurry to the elevator so he doesn't get frustrated with waiting for me.

we get in the elevator, he pulls me close and slips his hand down my jeans. he comments on how wet and i am and gives my clit a few strokes. i'm looking at him the whole time and i know he knows that i want him to kiss me but he doesn't. he pulls away just in time to hit the bottom floor.

we walk out to our cars and away we go in our own directions. i can't help myself but to pull out my phone and text him.

me: did i prove clearly enough that you make me good and damp with just words?

N: hell yeah

we text a little more about how we are each turned on and should get laid. he says he may have to take things into his own hands as that's about all he can get done with his friends in from out of town. i tell him to think about my ass while he does it. then he says the following.

N: Actually thinking of just finishin you then you want to finish me so you yank my pants down and start to blow me deep but stop mid way, reverse cowgirl me for a couple pumps because you want to taste yourself on my cock when you turn around to finish me with your amazing deep technique.

hot stuff. enough said.

getting caught, progress and now what

2008-01-23T11:48:00.000-06:00

well B and i ended up having lunch yesterday. he was very apologetic about "forgetting" on monday. we talked about random stuff at first and then he opened the door for me to ask about him taking away my access and what is going on. i did and he assured me it was nothing work related. i told him i was not trying to fight but that the last time he withdrew from me he got demoted and i got screwed and i promised i would not let it happen again. he told me that he thought i was playing around in his email more than necessary and that was all he was going to say about that. and he is trying to sell his house and buy a new one so he has a lot of financial info coming in via email.

the means really aren't justifiable to the end: i was snooping a lot. but he was lying to me again and doing something he promised he would never do again. so i don't really feel all that guilty about it. he's trying to be nice to me and talk to me more and chat like we used to, but i can't help the feeling in the back of my head that it's all for show. i could ruin him, but not without bringing myself down too.

that's one of his rules: never get involved with someone that has nothing to lose. he thinks it's best if both parties have something to lose. makes sense when you think about it.

so we'll see. i can't snoop anymore but i also know him and have great observation skills. if i can just keep myself one step back and play the game, i might end up on top. problem is, B is very, very good at the game and a great liar. i get too impatient and want to confront and then end up doing something stupid. then i end up back under this thumb.

progress? i don't think i'm making much. i think i am replacing B with N, even if only in my head. it's no longer B that consumes my thoughts, but N. ultimately N is a nicer guy, and a better lover so i guess if i had to switch, i chose the right direction. N and i already have a better friendship and i think that will continue to grow no matter what else is between us.

N and i ended up chatting online last night. and like usual, it turned sexual. can't help it with him, my brain just naturally goes there and he doesn't really try and stop it. we were teasing and talking and then he makes a "nevermind" statement. we have been talking about me giving him head. so i told him i was confused. he said that he didn't want to talk about him because he still owed me an orgasm. hhhmmm. interesting. but will it happen?

see B never thinks like that. so even if N never gets around to touching me again, at least i will know that he thought about it, felt bad about it, and wanted me to come. maybe it is progress.

i haven't written about the night of the bet winnings. not ready to do that yet. i'll say it was fun, it was erotic, and i made an ass of myself. i'm working up to getting that out. but also that night he told me the more we fooled around the less he saw me as a friend and so we agreed to try to focus on the friendship but still flirt because that's just natural between us. but because of that declaration, will i get my second chance to at his hands or not?

so i don't know where either relationship is going. B has been increasingly irritating me on all levels and maybe this is the natural break. and N, well, we're still dancing a little. i'm gonna take it day by day, conversation by conversation as best i can and see where the ride goes.

secret garden

2008-01-20T14:33:00.000-06:00

yes, it's the name of a bruce springsteen song and he was right. every woman has one. it's our inner core, our inner self and often very fragile. we don't let very many people in.

if you pay the price, as he sings, it's worth it. but so few people get to that point. so few want to take the work to get to that point. and the hardest thing for us is when we give someone a glimpse and they make fun of it or turn from it. i would know. apparently i have trusted the wrong men, and worse i have paid for it in tears and trust and pain.

i'm not vain. well, i want to be but have nothing to be vain about.

men think they have it figured out; that women are in control. if they only realized that we give, and give, and give until we have nothing left. i have never met a man that could or would do that. women stand even when we don't want to. women give even when we think we have nothing left. we give so that we can feel, to live, to support.

it's not easy and it's not often fun. and deep inside we push away things that we either don't need to feel or that doesn't help the cause. we take those little wants out when we are alone and look at them and hope and then we put them away. they sustain us. and we know it isn't enough even when we do it.

it should hurt more

2008-01-19T19:00:00.000-06:00

i really feel ok. haven't thought about B much today. i guess i have, but only in the distant part of my mind. he has not been in the forefront. odd.

i expected to be much more hurt today. i am finally alone as my Other has gone out of town for several days and i thought i would let loose with the pain inside me and have a good cry over a glass of wine. instead i am having the glass of wine and remarking on how ok i feel.

i can't find a better word than "ok". i'm not happy, i'm not sad, i don't really want to cry, though i did yesterday and the day before, i'm just here and ok.

i'm sure when i am in his presence i will hurt more. now it seems distant and far removed from me because we don't see each other or communicate on the weekend. i'm not sure if that will be a good thing or not. i am distanced now but will that make seeing him on monday easier or will it send a piercing pain straight through me like a lance? i guess i will have to wait and see.

N is in NY which is good too. otherwise i would be tempted to try and spend sunday with him. that's his veg day. he spends a lot of the week going out and drinking and staying out late and on sunday he stays a bit more mellow.

so really, i am separated from all the men in my life this weekend. it doesn't seem long enough.

ha

2008-01-18T17:41:00.000-06:00

i did drive by the hotel to see if he was there. and he was. i knew he would be but the proof stared at me in bold yellow so there was no denying it.

how did i feel you might wonder? i wasn't sure at first. when i got into the elevator to go up to my floor i stared at myself in the goldish semi-mirror and realized that i felt ok. not free exactly but ok. i knew he lied again. i had proof upfront and didn't have to wait for it.

i'm not really ashamed that i had to snoop in order to find out. honestly he's been doing this to his wife for years so what made me think i was so different? he loves her and has done it over and over and over again and she has suspected a lot and confronted him too. he loves her, will never leave her, and i would never ask him to, but what made me think i was going to be different? that i would be enough for him? if he's going to constantly lie to the woman he loves, how arrogant am i to think he would not lie to me?

he asked me back in email form what i meant my my email about time to look for a new job. i let him have it a little bit. telling him it was obviously a deliberate act that he took away my access because the only way it would have happened is if he did it and that showed a lack of trust. i told him i could no longer follow him blindly. he did not call and took forever to email me back. all he said was that he was playing around with his email settings and the calendar should still be there.

he suspects that i was looking and that i know. that's ok too. he's arrogant enough to forget and get beyond it soon. we'll still have to see if lunch happens on monday. and if it does, i'll have to decide if i talk, or listen, or let be.

i do feel stronger now. i'm really not sure why. maybe because i confronted that demon. this morning i had thought about putting a blank piece of paper under his windshield wiper. nothing on it just something to raise his awareness. i didn't and it was probably best that i didn't. that could have turned out really badly.

i still want him to tell me though. i still want him to admit it. it should come out over time but am i willing to wait long enough for him to fall into the trap or do i need to spring it now and be done with it?

ended?

2008-01-18T11:14:00.000-06:00

i use the ? because i am not sure. off he went and before he did that, he took away my access to his email and his calendar. i use those things to do my job. in fact, many people looking for him call me to check his calendar.

i always knew he would the one to end it. didn't think it would be like this though.

i did send him and email as he was walking out the door asking if that was a hint for me to start looking for a new job. no response yet and it wouldn't surprise me if i don't get one.

worst thing about all this: it's review time. so now for my review he is going to be in a pissy mood which is not good for me.

debating right now whether to drive by that hotel or not. just about 2 minutes from the office though a little secluded. it know that's where he is. but something about seeing his car there, having the physical proof undeniably in front of my eyes is needed. maybe it will be the last thing i need in order to make the clean break. it'll still hurt, a lot, but maybe it will be what i need to begin to heal.

and there goes lunch on monday too. i wonder what made him take away my access? what made him wonder? he was dressed really nicely today and i did comment that he was dressed rather nicely to pay a speeding ticket. "my perogative" he bit back. then he took it all away.

maybe that is a sign he feels guilty. i have never punished him for lying, i just want the truth. maybe that's the problem. maybe i should have punished him. maybe i was too easy with regard to everything between us.

somehow i can't help but feel i'm the one at fault. the one that did something wrong. even knowing he is a master manipulator, i fall into that trap. i feel bereft, alone and cut off. stupid i know but there it is.

we'll see what the afternoon brings and what comes on monday before i know for sure if i can remove that ? or not on this title.

cracking

2008-01-17T16:42:00.000-06:00

i'm cracking around the edges. my resolve to hold on as long as i could, wearing that mask until the right moment to reveal myself to B, is melting.

today i saw an email where he had booked a hotel room for tomorrow. it's a hotel that we used to go to and park in the back of the lot and --yes folks--make out like young kids. sounds stupid and it was but he never did like to leave a paper trail. always pays for the illicit in cash and would never have used the internet to book something like that.

well, it's not for me. it may have once been our semi-place but not anymore. i have a feeling he is taking this new one there. though over the past week i have not come across any emails between them, there are still many closed door phone calls and long lunches. the one before me he took to dinner at a nice restaurant. never have i gotten that either. i get lunches and maybe drinks on the company. never his own dime, never without some pressure from me. and that's sort of sad.

some would say it's because i let him get away with it. maybe i did. maybe the crumbs of his affection were more important to me than pressing for the things i felt i needed most. i was the ultimate giver.

and now i sit in misery, constantly wondering why i wasn't enough, why he had to see fulfillment and affection elsewhere.

i could choose to be somewhat more oblivious that i am. i could not look in his email, i could choose to pretend there are things i don't know and don't see. but i can't do that. from day one i told him that i only wanted one thing --honesty. and he can't give it.

i think i might have to be done. depending on what happens tomorrow, i might have to set the stage to speak my peace. but then i still have to work with him. so which is worse to suffer in silence as i do now as he makes a mockery of my request, or to make that break between us, possibly damage the rapport and continue working as we always have?

i just checked his calendar. from 11-1:30 tomorrow it says "speeding ticket". i've been around him long enough to know that's not what it really is. especially after seeing the hotel confirmation receipt. he's going to go and sleep with her. breaking rules for her he would never even bend for me. my chest is tight. i have to close my eyes and fight back tears as my throat tightens.

was i too compliant? was i too giving? was i not enough of a challenge? why am i the one he never goes on the limb for, the one he never even bends for?

i want to drive there and be sitting in my car beside his when he comes out. i want to confront him. i want to leave a note on the windshield for when he exits. and i don't have the guts. i'll let this go too. i'll let it cut me up inside.

of course, what i have to lose if i do confront him in anyway, is access to his email. maybe his trust but even then he hasn't given me his and proven that he hasn't, so does he really deserve mine? i gave it to him for so long until he crossed the ultimate line. how much more can i give? when am i allowed to fight for my rights?

i sent him an email a moment after he left to say that i was going to suggest lunch tomorrow but i see that he had plans. he just called. to say he had to go out and pay a speeding ticket tomorrow but that monday for lunch was good. he realizes that he needs to slow down and talk to me sometimes. he's trying. in the past that would have been enough. i'm not sure it is now.

infinity

2008-01-16T11:21:00.000-06:00

feelings, emotions are so infinite. they can continue to expand in any given direction farther than the eye can see. sometimes, they collapse in on the direction they were taking and pick another one and continue on.

they can grow in a spiral direction, moving in all directions simultaneously. swirling around encompassing the myriad of expressions so that it is like a soup of mixed flavors and spices. or they can grow like stairs, short bursts that keep you moving but that you don't always want to take.

i don't think that they ever really go away because of their infinite nature. we can let them go, and the farther away they get from us, the less we feel them, but they don't ever burn out. much like the stars in the sky. the close ones are brighter, flashier more tangible; but the stars many, many light years away still reach us, though it takes a lot more effort and they seem less real to us. we feel them with less fervency.

there are things in my life - people, feelings, situations - that i wish i could forget. i know that i never will. i know that i have grown in some way because of each experience, yet that isn't always enough to want to hold onto it. all i can hope is that they will fade over time, become less real. like incense smoke wafting towards the ceiling of a church.

that woman

2008-01-13T16:22:00.000-06:00

i will never be that woman.

the one that brings you to your knees. the one that brings a random smile to your face. the one you spontaneously purchase sunflowers for at the grocery store.

the one you wake up in the middle of the night and wonder what became of. the one when you drink that you see in the haze of the glass. the one that makes the breath catch in your throat when you remember.

the one that makes your gut clench when you recall the most sexual moment in your life. the one you don't talk about to your buddies because it's too close to the vest. the one that makes you close your eyes in regret.

the one that you will always regret not saying things too. the one whose laugh was music to your ears. the one that you opened up to.

the one whose eyes were like warm candlelight. the one whose skin you wake up smelling at four in the morning. the one with whom you showed your greatest vulnerabilities.

the one whose skin always felt like silk to you. the one that you tremble when you think about touching one last time. the one you always wonder if she was the one that got away.

i will never be that woman.

masks

2008-01-08T21:05:00.000-06:00

we all wear them. i won't deny that. the liar has the best mask as he never has to remove it. B is a consummate liar.

yes i snooped to find out but honestly he likely would have told me later. i want to call him on it. i want to tell him that he lied one too many times and i'm done. i'm really almost to that point. if i wouldn't have to reveal how i knew he was cheating and lying again i would do it. hypocritical of me? maybe.

i'm trying to draw it out of him. trying to hint. but he can be very obtuse when he wants to be.

i'm teasing around with N, sure, but i admitted to B that i loved him. had he done anything but turn away from that and pretend it didn't exist, i might not need N. and then again, N makes me happy in ways that B never did, never will.

i mean really, it's hard to want to be with a man who doesn't care about your sexual pleasure and even jokes that it's "your problem" if you come or not. that's B. N is so the opposite. he's caring, has told me he likes to be given direction because that's "hot". i'm able to say more things to N without restraint that i never would have said to B. i do have to thank B for that. he taught me so easy how to bite my tongue and hold back and when i realized i didn't want to live like that, promised myself i would be more free, more me, i came across N. so he gets the brunt of my honesty and reality and he dishes it right back.

B today was full of verve and vigor and energy. and i wasn't the one that did it.

i do have to give him credit for yesterday and his email response. at least he responded favorably and he also sought me out about it. that alone makes me soften a little. in the past he never would have done that.

i know that i am not the woman that can bring him to his knees. he's had 3 of those. i told him once how i felt about that and he told me that maybe i wasn't that woman, but i had stood the test of time and only his wife had been able to do that prior.

as i type that i wonder to myself if i really can just take him as he is. he's cyclical. i used to think i could. that what he brought to my life outweighed the pain he brought me. now i'm not so sure. that weight is almost in balance and i am not sure which way it will tip next.

he'll never stop. i know that he will never, never, never leave his wife. i would not ask him to. and if that is so, and i have also stood the test of time, he'll come back to me just like he does to her. maybe i do have a special spot. however, i was willing to share him with his wife but not with other women. and he knows that.

i tend to do rash things at this time --emails and stupid text messages. i am pulling my punches every day. i'd like to hold out and see how long it goes on and then when it's over and he tells me about it i can tell him i knew and then see the reaction. not sure i can hold out that long. would take a lot of wine and frustration i think.

maybe if i think of it as me donning a mask. one of politeness to him and act almost as i always have but a little distant. i wonder first if he will notice and second if that would make it easier to play the part in order to get what i want. he is a master liar, can i be a master at his own game and lie back using my face, my voice and my aloofness?

man whore

2008-01-07T19:11:00.000-06:00

i forget that B is a man whore. ok maybe i don't forget completely, it just slides to the back of my mind and i pretend that i do matter. well, he has a new one. sure, i was snooping in the email. mostly i look for emails from his wife. but i see this email from a random email address and something made me look. he knows her from the Y. he apparently had emailed her a bunch of questions to answer and she replied to some of them. i missed the questions but could tell they were about her major, if she worked (she doesn't), where her kid(s) go to school and how tall she is and what she weighs. ass.

she jokes at the end of where i came in that "can't a girl just be a mystery." he responds that he "no mystery is what i really want to ask, and ask for". so they tease a little about sports and he tells her to call him because he can't call her. she says that if she doesn't chicken out she will call.

and she does. how do i know? the door shuts, the voice that is softer than usual through the wall.

at first i was pissed. and then i was just sad. i knew it. he promised me "never again" but i knew it would happen. my only question is will he find a way for them to have lunch this week or will it have to be next?

i decided to send him a quote of the day. all this made me do some internet searching. i didn't really expect him to respond and i sent it just as N and i walked across the street to get coffee. i wasn't sure i could face it if he did not respond.

the quote i sent was by Edna St. Vincent Millay "I know I am but summer to your heart, and not the full four seasons of the year.” he responded that it was a great quote because who would want to be someone's winter? then when i got back he came right away into my office to say that who would want to be spring either? i said why not, i was born in spring. he says the rain, the cold. i said the flowers blooming the sun, and he said maybe i could convince him. and as he walked away i said what about fall. all the leaves turning colors and he said he liked fall.

i was touched and wanted to leave it there. but i couldn't. because when i read the quote, what i saw was that i was only one season meaning i only got a tiny piece of him. so i emailed him back that his interpretation was good but that i had read it differently. and that, my friends, garnered no response. as i expected. i pushed him too far. i need too much.

i am sliding away from him. honestly before recently i would have been in such agony to see these emails. i would have wept and been so angry and this time the anger went away so quickly, replaced with sad acceptance. like the friend of an alcoholic knows they are going to fall off the wagon and has been through it so many times they no longer have the energy to get riled about it. i think i know how his wife feels.

so we will see what tomorrow brings. i will be looking for the emails. i won't lie about that. and N is really helping me move on. i think he knows there is or was something there. i kinda hinted at it the first day we got together really drunk. N is honest and upfront. we both have been. all i asked B for from the beginning was honesty and he just can't do it. he has been lying to so many people for so long he no longer knows how to tell the truth.

the question now is can i continue to work for him, be his right and left hand? can i distance myself to just being his friend and partner in work and watch him stagger through one relationship after another? do i want to? i have invested a lot in our working relationship and he does treat me well in that respect. and i would have to leave N if i got a new job and i know i'm not ready for that. i'm not done with getting beyond and i'm not ashamed to admit i need him in order to complete that task.

maybe i never will get over B. he's such a good liar. i should just accept him as he is and for what it was in the beginning --sporadic and fun. but emotion got in my way. yes, in mine, not in his. typical i suppose. i never used it against him. if anything, i am too accommodating in that respect. maybe that's the problem. i've practiced saying no once. now i guess i have to do it to his face with an explanation. i joked to him that he has been neglecting me and then next thing i know he has a new girlfriend.

i had been wanting to invite him to lunch. just to eat lunch. needed it at the end of the year and held myself back, waiting for january. and now i still want to do it but almost can't make myself. sign of weakness. he'd do it. and would ramble nonstop about nonessential stuff. the lunch where i just nod and smile and he does all the talking.

he has told me more than once that people like to talk about themselves and the person that does the most talking in a conversation often feels that it was a great one. that's him and he doesn't see it.

i guess i'm really the ass here. i waffle and waver because i can't bear to do it just yet. maybe for now the baby steps are enough. and with time i might be able to be the one to walk away.

missing

2008-01-01T17:44:00.000-06:00

i never fit. i am the piece left over. the one that never fits. seeming to be an edge piece...it never works. i let it try to fit. i fear going beyond. i fear letting anyone in.

am i just a receptacle?

2007-12-26T15:38:00.000-06:00

ok, i really should introduce you to the men in my life. i never thought i would ever have more than one at a time. i'm not really the type of woman that men just fall all over themselves to talk to or be with. but here i am with 3 of them. there is my other, B and N, whom you have heard about. B is who the "no" post on 11/27/07 and the "i said, er, emailed it" on 12/5/07. let me sum them up for you individually and maybe that will help to make sense to me as well why i have all of them and still don't feel whole.

other: we've been together many years, first as friends and then as more. he cares about me and my pleasure. we make each other laugh and have love between us. he doesn't excite me the way that it was in the beginning but i also cannot picture myself 5, 10, or 15 years in the future without him. but i need my time away from him as i feel that sometimes he is a great big weight around my neck.

B: he's been around a few years. it's mostly chemical between us. it slowly developed into more. i have told him i love him and he has told me that he has "strong feelings for me." i used to be ok with being last on the list. yes, he's married and with kids and i walked into that knowing it all. but now even if all he has is strong feelings, i need to know about them every now and again. he could care less about my pleasure and even makes jokes about how that's "my problem" and yet i keep letting it happen. he can make me more miserable than any other person on the planet. i have never cried as much with any other person in my life. he's losing me and doesn't know it.

N: he's the really recent addition. fun loving, crazy as all get out and is turning into my best friend. up until the last few years i have always had a male best friend and i have missed having one. we're still learning about each other as friends and trying to figure out what to do with the heat that is between us. we're burning hot and quick and aren't sure how we will handle it. he's not sure about being my best friend either but we'll see what happens. he cares about my pleasure and we have talked about it but not really the opportunity to put it into practice. we didn't expect each other.

i could say so much more about each of them but it will come out as i post more. in the end i often think it would be better if i were alone. no men.

my other thinks i am sexy in anything or nothing. but that seems so trite since he loves me. and i can't make myself wear short skirts and stuff as i am not sure that he is right that i look good in them. yes, i have a decent, if not good, body but still worry. B makes me feel as if i am never good enough. i'm never in good enough shape; my underwear is never sexy enough. i find myself trying to hide non-existent flaws just in case he sees something wrong with me. N is giving me my confidence back. he makes me feel sexy and in shape just by casual comments and things he says. yes, i realize he is the newest and so the most exciting to me now.

i always thought that B would be the one to end it but now i am beginning to think it might be me. i never thought i would be that strong.

well, now you have been introduced to my 3 men. i'll keep you posted and let you know how each one screws with my psyche and the damage they cause.

and once again i am an idiot

2007-12-17T12:48:00.001-06:00

you would think that eventually i would learn. but i don't. i drink too much and i can get pushy and bitchy, likely because i want to get my own way and rarely do (see previous post). so all that bottled up grouchiness comes out then. i'm plenty of fun before i reach that wall and when it reach it, watch out if you are the subject of my ire.

N and i have been flirting like mad. so much that i am practically horny all day everyday. it's fun and frustrating and exciting all rolled together. some of his texts to me have literally made me shiver in delight and anticipation. soaking wet such that my panties are a soggy mess. he just makes me hot.

we have a little bet going on right now between us that will produce a winner this week. the other day amidst flirting he brought out that maybe his prize, if he won, would be sex. now that is what i had wanted all along but was afraid to ask for it, thinking that would be off limits because of something he said when he rejected me one night. but he opened the door and now i don't think it matters who wins because that's what we'll get.

but part of me thinks he won't go through with it. he seems to really like the flirting and talking and suggestions, but hedges a lot when it starts to get right now to it.

but back to how i was an idiot. we had this bit, mutual party on saturday night. and i wanted to be a little naughty. not sex, just suggestive and fun and stuff. yes, our others were there but it can all be done in a seemingly innocent way. it was like he didn't want to be around me. as if i was going to just pounce on him and attack him in front of everyone. sheesh.

but want i did do was send some rather bitchy and mean text messages all night long as i kept drinking. i apologized by text in the morning and we seem to be fine today but why do i have to be such an idiot? why can't i not send the text or the email when i know that i know better? at least i don't call and do the whole drunk dialing thing. maybe texting is worse, maybe not.

one of these days i will grow up and be smart and not push too hard. when i do that i don't end up getting what i want, i become even more frustrated and i get to feel like an embarrassed idiot. goes to show that no matter how strong you think you are, some people have the ability to get to you.

i want to get to be the bitch

2007-12-14T13:37:00.000-06:00

i don't ask for a lot. being someone's "girlfriend" let's you know what place you are going to come in behind their wife and family. knew that going in so no prob. however, the only think i asked for was honesty. mostly he's a whore and i wanted to know if he slept around with someone else (other than his wife) behind my back.

did get it. lied to me. didn't punish him, didn't make it hard on him, didn't scream or rant or rave or anything like that. i did cry a week or so later and told him that it made me feel like i was not enough. he told me "never again". i'm not sure i believe that either.

then, i still don't have my present. he had told me that he wanted to get me something now and again but wasn't sure what. so i tell him and it's been months. here we are at the opportune gift giving time of christmas and i still don't think he has gotten it.

and then he has also ignored me for weeks. hardly even a hi, how are you in passing.

makes me grumpy. i want to get to be the bitch who whines and complains and throws a fit and gets what she wants. i'm never that girl. nice and understanding isn't gettin my anywhere. if i was a bitch maybe i might get what i want, and what i think i deserve sometimes.

i said, er, emailed it

2007-12-05T18:25:00.000-06:00

i said no. actually it was an email that i responded to and was able to sneak away. i waffled about giving in even though i knew exactly what would happen. the blank email comes over. i'm supposed to go into his office and shut the door. we have this spot on the far side of the desk he feels is the safest. i would have then gotten onto my knees. he was in jeans today so it was likely he was commando, which he has started to do to surprise me when he wears jeans. but in my head i wanted to be strong, i wanted to say no, i wanted to be the one to walk away.

so i did.

and then i wondered if i did the right thing. will he pull away from me now? is it going to be over because i said no? silly thoughts, yes, but i am having them nevertheless. a part of me smiled as i got in the elevator and made a clean getaway. i am sure he thinks i said "can't" because i had to be somewhere and not that i was saying no just because i needed to.

he's narcissistic. he's in pretty good shape and is good looking but he's so focused on himself. he probably has no idea that i have felt neglected these past 6 weeks. and if i tried to explain he would run over my explanation with how busy he is and how much he has been going through etc. i want to explain but i actually want him to listen to me and what i have to say. i have told him that before, to focus and just hear what i say and he does ok then.

now i'm a bit maudlin and feeling introspective and i hate when i get this way. i want to wallow in it and roll around in my thoughts until they don't even make sense to me. so instead, i pour a glass of wine, bug N with random text messages such that he thinks i am a freak and find a good book to read. all in a day's work.

standing center stage

2007-11-30T13:59:00.000-06:00

last night i went out to a local bar that has live music. i had heard the place was supposed to be good and one of our colleagues knows the father of the man that runs it. so we had and in and so we went. the first band was not very good but the second was.

the lead singer had personality and it didn't hurt that he was also good looking. tall and lean with dark slightly long and shaggy hair, he wore well worn in jeans and a black button up shirt not tucked in and the sleeves rolled up. yummy. tattoos on his forearms as well that were tasteful and yet let out the bad boy inside.

he was wearing a wedding ring so i figured he was married and at some point i could see him looking at a particular table in the small crowd. i watched him as he sang. he looked around the room a lot, make a lot of eye contact but when he landed on her it was different. a pang of envy shot through me. i want to be looked at like that by a man in my life.

maybe because the ones in mine are not creative, artistic types. yes, to some degree i am generalizing and stereotyping, and yet there is some consensus that musicians and artists are likely to be more romantic, to romanticize things more. they also see the world just a little differently and often their significant other is a muse to them. i have never been anyone's muse and i though it would be a somewhat unnerving responsibility, i think it would also be incredibly wonderful.

so i watched and envied and wondered if i would ever be someone's muse. i want to know that feeling of inspiring someone and having them look to me to be something deep and meaningful. i want to bask in that warm light.

who might choose me and how might i find him? wouldn't it be worse to be a silent muse? to never know that you were the one who helped inspire someone and something? i would want to know.

so may i one day know if i was ever anyone's muse. choose me, choose me if you are in need of someone to be something to you.

no

2007-11-27T19:28:00.000-06:00

i have a hard time saying no. he tells me to get on my knees and i go. i've had the fantasy in my head that the next time he tells me to do it, i will just shake my head. then he will ask me why and i will tell him. the perfect week was here and he ignored me, basically calling me/it/us a "task"; then he yelled at me for no reason, then he was so absorbed with himself and work and stuff for the next three weeks that he completely ignored me.

too many times he has made crude, quick little jokes about how my pleasure doesn't matter or how it's my "problem" with respect to my own orgasm. i want to tell him to take a hike. what lover is a good lover if they really think that way? doesn't a good lover want their partner to come? don't they want to know that they can cause that back bending ecstasy? i like knowing that i can do it to him, for him.

i've actually thought these things for a long time but only now am i working up the courage to assert my needs. he could care less what i want, what i need and doesn't really know me.

he always talks about how the more a person talks in a conversation, the more likely they are to think it was a good conversation with that person. let me tell you he always talks and doesn't listen. does he realize that? i don't think so. and if he does, he doesn't care.

he's never bought me a present. i'm not being materialistic here. it's about the fact that even friends buy each other gifts, meaningful and silly, and i have never had either. he once told me he saw a really good sale on battery powered jumper cables and was thinking of telling me about them and then realized as he drove away he should have just bought me a set. i would have been ecstatic.

i have rearranged my scheduled for him at the slightest whim. without complaint or letting him know. but never has he done it in return. never had he bent at all for me.

i was really young and naive in the beginning. i'm not ashamed to admit that. i had to learn someway didn't i? he was a good teacher: cold and exacting. a disciplinarian who showed me no mercy when i got something wrong. and now i get it right every time he wants me to.

i tell him i love him and he tells me he has "strong feelings for me." he tells me about the other women in his past and how they could bring him to his knees. i tell him that i can't do that and it makes me sad and he tells me that maybe i don't, but only i and his wife have withstood any length of time.

i have a lot more to tell you about him and it will come out in fits and starts. but i think i need to walk away. i know that i need to actually. i have been struggling with this need for a long time. each time i think i am getting strong enough, i slide down the slope back towards him.

it's as if he knows. he opens up just enough every so often. the time i think i can finally stand up for me, he gives me just that little inch of himself that i need. he makes me feel needed. not really wanted, but needed. i know he wants my body and he can't do his job without me, but i want to be wanted.

i know he could walk away and never look back. he could do it at any time. that scares me and makes me sad. sad because i would have invested so much time for nothing.

so today i say no. even if only in my own head.

reasons

2007-11-21T17:42:00.000-06:00

i believe that everything happens for a reason. this is not a cop out. i've had things happen in my life that revealed that each thing that happens has a reason. i may never know the reason, may always wonder, but i have come to understand that perhaps i am not supposed to know.

i like being in control of my life. they say that children of alcholics are often like that. i also tend to be anal about a lot of things. i admit it about myself, i am comfortable with it. that is a part of me that i don't mind as it makes me very good with details, makes me very good at my job and leads to less worry in my own head. i mention this because in believing that everything happens for a reason, i have to accept that i am not in control. the situation is somehow beyond my abilities.

normally that bothers me. i have had to learn to let go. i still rage out, still try to wrestle my way into driving that car, but ultimately i can fall back in the comfort of knowing that what happens is what is.

i'm not a natural leader. i do not want to be center stage. i prefer to be in the shadows, delighting in the production that happens knowing that i was behind the scenes brining it to life. i think a lot of people would not think that is how i truly am. i say this because i end up in leadership roles more often that i want to. either because no one else will step up, or because that's the way it is supposed to be.

what does all this have to do with reasons? everything for me in the past few days. i walked along a road that was a little off the beaten path but thought i could see the destination in the distance. then i was hit hard emotionally, which is the worst kind of hit, and found out that not only had i been walking in a circle, i had been walking by myself. worse yet, i had been dancing all by myself.

i was very sad about that yesterday. and today i realize the conversation happened for a reason. i don't have to like it, i may not know why it had to be that way, and that's just the way it is.

so i find a new path and walk that one. granted, i might sit down in the grass and dirt and hang our a few days, nothing wrong with that, before i choose my direction. maybe then i can be leaving behind me what needs to be left behind so as not to be unreceptive to the path that might appear.

i never close a door. why seal off what you don't fully comprehend? why not allow yourself to peek back when you need to? it might hurt, but maybe it's supposed to. i never want to be that person who becomes so bitter they refuse to allow certain people or situations into their life.

so today i am jet lagged from a really hard cry. as draining as it was, perhaps it was also cleansing. i say perhaps because i still feel like a wrung out dishrag that is sitting on the floor in a damp heap covered in dust.

everything happens for a reason. everything.

laughter

2007-11-15T21:15:00.000-06:00

the best sound in the whole world is uninhibited laughter. that which erupts from deep inside and is often unexpected. often it's loud, unrestrained and noticed.

so many times we hold our laughter in. whether it be because we are trying to be polite, we think the topic isn't appropriate to laugh at in mixed company, we will fear what others will think of our true response and just maybe we are afraid of letting go of even a sliver of the restraint in our lives because it might crack open wider and wider and spread to other areas.

i was hit with my own laughter this week. someone came into my office a work to tell me a story and before i knew what was happening the laughed erupted from me and my companion was right there with me. it felt good to just let it happen. to not anticipate the story or my response and freely let it flow. someone in a nearby office did close their door. at first i wanted to feel a little guilty and then i decided that i had no reason to do so. laughter is good. it's an emotional release, it burns calories, it forges a bridge between two people.

looking back, i realize that i hold back on my laughter at times. usually because the situation is one where i have to conduct myself with restraint because it is for work or i am in a place with lots of people and don't want to disturb anyone. i was surprised by my own uninhibited response.

now i will try to be aware. i don't want to be rude with my laughter but i have a right to it, to own it in my little slice of the world.

so the next time you want to laugh, guffaw, giggle uncontrollably, snort, crack up until you have tears on your cheeks --go ahead. even though someone might frown, more people than you know are smiling just because of that sound.

on the inside

2007-11-12T20:16:00.000-06:00

i am weak. so many people tell me i seem so calm, so with it, so able to handle things. and on the inside i am so weak and so small. i crumble more than anyone knows. i hate to cry and i do it more often that i ever used to. i seem to be getting weaker over time, not stronger.

i haven't had a hard life in most all respects. a few small obstacles that i thought made me stronger, more compassionate, more real.

and real for me is gut wrenching, heart twisting, soul suppressing sadness and despair. a maddening consummation of all that lay in the way. only when i am alone do i dare let it all out. even then i hate to do it. i hate the weak side of me. don't like to give into it, don't like to acknowledge it for fear of the control it may one day gain. yet i cannot run or deny its existence. it is as much a part of me as my skin.

when i give in to the tears and the release, i think that this time it will make me better. this time i will remember and not do the things that take me into that place again. i promise myself to be for myself, do for myself and this time, this time, stand strong.

why is it harder to break the tie than to actually try to live without it? the grass isn't greener. i know it, you know it and yet we both have a side that somehow clings to the merest hope of the unknown that might be.

if people only knew.

random acts

2007-11-11T19:33:00.000-06:00

i'm not very good at accepting compliments, especially when they are related to myself physically. praise my work, my knowledge, my intuition and i'm ok with that. the rest makes me uncomfortable. likely because i don't believe it. not that i think the person saying it isn't sincere, just that for me, when i compliment like that comes along, i hear it so rarely that i don't know why it's being made. i guess if i heard it often enough i might be more inclined to believe the truth of it.

i'm not saying i don't appreciate it or that i don't get a little tingle. i wouldn't mention it here if that was the case. it's more that i roll it around in my mind for a long time and still come to no conclusion about its reality, function or overall meaning. how does it fit into the world? i never seem to figure that one out.

so let me explain. i get a lot of my clothes altered. i'm short so it comes with the territory. i had a favorite tailor but she has closed her shop. before that she took a sabbatical to go back to korea for family reasons. i found an acceptable alternative. it's not that she's not good but the first one had worked with me for so long that she knew how i liked all my clothes without asking. i never had to remind her that one leg is shorter than the other and all the work she did always fit perfectly.

but the new one is good and with time we will have a more established relationship. trust me when i say this --i have to get more than 50% of my clothing altered. so, here i am in her store for the first time in several months but i could tell she recognized me. i put on the suit and then the pants and went to the counter to work up the ticket. and she looks up at me and says, right out of the blue she says, "you are a beautiful woman."

i was stunned. i smiled and faltered and thanked her. she kept looking at me and made a wave at me and said "your skin and everything." again i dropped my eyes and thanked her and she finished completing the ticket.

i'm not beautiful. this is not modest protestation. i'm not. i've seen beautiful women, and i don't mean models and i don't rank up there. because i am short and young looking i often fall into the "cute" category. more often than i like but i'll take it. on a good day i can be pretty even. and that's just reality. i'm not bitter about it. well, maybe upon occasion when i am feeling down or neglected. but i also realize there are plenty of men, and women, in the world who look at me favorably.

i'm never going to win a beauty contest or grace the cover of a magazine and maybe to her i am beautiful. i know what i am to me and if to someone i can appear a little more than i think i am, i think i will listen to that person rather than the one who tries to make me think that i am a little less.

and wherever may he be found

2007-11-09T15:01:00.000-06:00

my friend N is a newer friend in my repertoire and yet i think he is here for the long haul. he is like his own version of a walking murphy's law, but with respect to the kinds of crazy people he meets when out and about and the situation that happen to him because of his very nature.

is he super good looking? no. put his looks together with his personality and it works a little too well. he's fun, he's metrosexual, dresses well without going to the point of trying too hard, says what's on his mind without worrying about being PC or overly offensive. he's not even really tall. he just works.

not long after we met i told him that i found him quirky. he took slightly mocked offense at this. i meant it as a compliment. i consider myself to be odd and i find myself most attracted to other people who are offbeat. and really, one of the definitions for quirky is "strikingly unconventional" and who doesn't want to be that?

we appear to be rockin right along in the dusty road of friendship for those who meet at work and try to figure how far outside that scope it will go. we're still working on that. we do text a lot. and we're dancing as well, that dance that people do when they are attracted to each other but are also not free to do much about it (don't make the typical assumptions here ok cause i know what just jumped into your head). yeah that dance.

so last night i am running random errands. here is the byplay of our texting:

N: Bj. A lost art form

me: Yes. why is this coming up now?

N: Ha. Random. Got a vid of best one ever

me: share

N: Heather Brooke. Fantastic

me: it's an art i try to work on. it's just as impt to a woman too

me: why are you watching porn alone? better w someone. i happen to be a fan

N: Good to know. I have not met enough true ambassadors of the craft

N: Not watching just got a fwd

me: is this where i say feel free to let me practice until you think i have it right?

N: Ha. U r a pro no doubt.

me: you've been drink addled both times. you might be wrong.

me: i love sexy underwear (fyi - that is what i was shopping for when this was going on)

N: I doubt i am wrong. undies work

me: it's not just about skimpy either. it's all about sensuality and subtlety unless one is going for raunchy. which can be good too

me: is weds next week a good day to give you the heads up? i'm a planner

N: Stumbling blocks to the goods. They are more for u than man

me: really? i kinda think that way myself but i have had men who preferred the "packaging" than naked

N: Weds? What the skirt thing at lunch?

N: Eh. Little white tee and binkin is good enuff for me

me: garter belt yeah

me: i like that too. love wearing a man's button up shirt too

N: Nice. I'll take a peek

N: Word

me: tomorrow's goal: wear my tightest pants and u can compare me to barbie (fyi - barbie is not her real name but she is a woman who works on our floor and who could be hot but needs some better fashion sense for her body type)

N: Hysterical

me: don't hurt my feelings like that

N: Hurt? U want to be barbie?

me: hell no. better body have i, and i like looking younger than my age

me: but i've never been a man magnet and that might be fun to experience

N: Yeah ya are

me: history does not support your stmt. was too much of a nerd in school and came out of my shell late

N: Ha. Yeah nerd outside. Vixen inside

me: i'll take that compliment to heart

N: Def. It's true.

dancing do you think? in wide circles. step forward, step back and repeat again. hhhmmm.

mental interpretations of the soul

2007-11-08T20:53:00.001-06:00

Shards

Fractured
In broken glass do i reflect
Fragments of color and line
Not clean or clear in form
Edges that are roughly soft
Uneven beads, elementally made
Scattered by the wind
Slipped into crevaces all around

thus it begins

2007-11-07T19:26:00.000-06:00

as things go, it began like many others. a little ripple of a thought, a "maybe i could..." that is forgotten when something else distracts. over time that little ripple grows, like the rings in a tree until they expand far enough that it's either do it or stop thinking about it.
so here i am doing and not just thinking.
will it really make a difference? as yet undecided.
but i'm here now. for better or worse. just because.